Sam At Eleven

I did get a gift from Mark for Valentine's. A beautiful orchid. A Dendrobium Nobile. It was so nice. And he liked my card but I felt cheap about it. Blah. But we had a good day. Here's some pics of it:





I was up almost all night coughing and ended up sleeping on the couch so I wouldn't keep Mark up. He needs sleep more than I do since he works.

Skating is still on for tomorrow. Yes!

Last night at the cafe (open mic night) Jeff Wood totally sucked but Mike Space Rush was great. He did a collab with Max and Jake and I was totally into it. And a new guy did a sound performance involving two speak-and-says and a Sega Genesis. Way cool.

It snowed again last night so after we got back from breakfast I shoveled the walk and by the car. It's really not my job (that the super's job) but if I waited for someone else to do it it'd never get done.

The Tortelli Tort

Apparently I am now no longer able to digest tomatoes. Fun little fact.

I've been sick with a cold for the last two weeks. We went to see Velvet Revolver (you know, Slash's band?) in Milwaukee two weeks ago and got muchos sick. Not fun. Today is Valentine's and I've spent the past two days making a home-made card for Mark. I hope he likes it. Water painted base, quilled paper letters, poem inside. We'll see. Anyway, finally had a period after a year of nothing. Maybe I'm getting healthier? I tried to quit smoking for Lent but failed miserably. Maybe I'll do it for Moon Madness in September.

It's snowing. It's always snowing.

Going to the cafe tonight. No special Valentine's dinner or presents. We decided against it. It's okay with me. I can't think of anything I want or need. I've never lived this life before. This life where if I need or want something I get it. No questions. No thinking "If I get this I won't be able to eat next week". It's weird but wonderful.

Mark and I have been squabbling a lot lately. I think it's because I'm stressed out. I can't pinpoint what it is though. I'm just anxious lately for no reason. Like my body is rejecting the fact that my mind is happy. I can't stop feeling like all this is about to drop and I'll be that nothing person I used to be. I need to realize that Mark is not about to leave me but even if he did I could take care of myself. I am my mother's daughter after all and after all the things I've been through I can handle anything and that's not me tempting fate that's just truth. So here comes the pep talk:
Val, stop being such a pussy. You are not helpless. You are not 12 years old. You can make it all on your own and you deserve to be happy. Nobody can hurt you anymore. You are not your mother. People do not think you are worthless and ugly. People like you and if they don't you tell them to fuck off because you are Val and don't need all that mess. Smile and appreciate today for what it is: The best day of your life. And tomorrow will be the same. Your life is going up. And I don't mean in smoke.

Done.

Now back to business. Skating this weekend which I am soooo fucking excited about. Skating is my favorite thing in the universe to do. I know, I'm almost 23 years old but damn it, it's fun. I look at things in a funny way, I guess. It's like every moment is important. Like riding in the car at dusk and the way the sun reflects off the water tower in Darboy and the feeling of cold air flushing my face on the way into the library and the first time you hear a song that you know you'll listen to on repeat for days and feeling like the writer is your best friend. And feeling manufactured air through your hair as you skate in a circle with the one you love most in the world. It's beautiful. The whole world is. I still remember the way the grass felt beneath my feet the first time I knew I'd be a writer (7 years old).